On Monday, after having my initial appointment cancelled and spending many weeks delaying ringing to rearrange, I had my follow up phone appointment with my Cognitive behavioural therapist. After several attempts at CBT ultimately failing, admittedly due to me not giving enough time to the exercises, we decided to take a break whilst I finished up with a project at work and to reconvene once it was over. After being given the choice between an hour long, more intense version of CBT or to try something completely different with counselling, I went with the latter option. At the moment I’m very much struggling to find the ‘why’ behind my depression and rather than trying to treat the symptoms, I’m keen to get at the cause.
I’ve theorised openly recently about whether it is this absence of a reason that allows me to openly discuss and at times joke about my condition. It allows me the ability to distance myself from it, although it’s debatable about how much of a positive effect any of that has. Joking that I’m going to cry myself to sleep doesn’t make it any easier when it does happen and can often just make it feel like a never ending cycle. I am trying to dig deeper though, the idea of keeping a diary, even just to record good and bad days, is something I’ve had in my mind for a while. I’ve stumbled on a couple of things, that whilst not causes, they are definitely contributing factors, so hopefully by the time my new appointment rolls around I will be in the right frame of mind to open up and start making forward steps in the road to recovery.
With a big project finally put to bed and my free time back I’d love to say that mentally I have stabilised, but it seems I’m very much as wobbly as ever. It doesn’t help being an empath, or an emotional Ditto if you will, my mood can change instantly based upon those around me, more often than not for the worse.
Whilst there hasn’t been much of a change in my mental health recently, I have been actively trying to make changes elsewhere, most significantly by turning Vegan. Whilst to most this would be a drastic lifestyle change, it is one that has been coming gradually for quite a while. I’ve been a mostly ‘at-home’ vegetarian for a couple of years, favoured drinking Green Tea instead of normal tea and switched to dairy free butter a long time ago, so when I chose to watch the triple threat of documentaries I was open for the affect they would have. I had long been interested in at least trying it, if Scott Jurek can do it, then why can’t I? It just always felt like I needed that push and it was something that watching these three documentaries more than did.
I have no intention of using this post to start preaching, but if you have even a little bit of an interest I recommend you watch any one of the three films mentioned above.
Finally, this Sunday I will be running the Hell of a Hill Marathon, 8 times up and over a massive hill just outside Bolton, in what will be my 15th marathon of the year. Whilst it should be my last one of the year it will be just the 1st of 3 marathons I will be running in a week as next Friday I will be running the 31 mile Kirkstall Abbey Trail Ultramarathon, followed by the Kirkstall Abbey Trail Marathon (just the 26.2 miles) the day after. I guess you could argue I’m seeing the challenge out with a bang.
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